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December 29, 2010
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Chapter 1
On October Friday the 20 in the year 1220 Amber and Naimh said bye to there mom and dad not knowing that this was the last time they would see them they then walked into the woods and started picking berries mean while a man in a black outfit and a red hat named Drake with his fire dog named max were planning some thing evil. Drake smiled at his dog ad said" Max today we are going to have a little fun" he looked at the home of Amber and Naimh and said" we will burn down this house with your help" he looked at Max.

Max smiled and said" bark bark"(sounds fun master)they then walked up to the house.

Drake smiled and said" I think every one is in now blow away" he laughed as max opened his moth and burned the house down after they were done Drake gave his dog a treat back with Amber and Naimh.

Amber smiled and said" I think we have all the berries we need to make the pie".

Naimh smiled and said" Yeah lets head back" they walk back to there house but stop behind a bush in front of there house and saw the man and the dog.

Amber looks at there house and whispered in Naimh's ear" are house it is gone are parents are dead what are we going to do" the man and the dog left Amber started crying.

Naimh looked at Amber and said" please don't cry i know are parents are dead but we are still alive maybe we could start a new life in the woods" a tear ran down her cheek.

Amber saw that her sister was trying to be brave so she smiled and said" ok but how" she stopped crying and a tear ran down her sister's face again.

Naimh smiled and said" I don't know but first we need to find a spot in the woods to build are new house and we will have to build it were there is food near bye" another tear ran down her cheek.

Amber nodded and they went back into the woods. As they walked in the woods they stopped at a spot in the middle of the woods.

Naimh smiled and said" this spot will do what do you think Amber" she looked at Amber.

Amber smiled and said" I think it is a wonderful spot for are new house sis" she looked at Naimh.

Naimh smiled at Amber and said" you can get the water we need at least 2 buckets "she handed Amber 2 buckets to put the water in.

Amber smiled back and said" ok but were am I going to get it from?".

Naimh looked at her and said" I think I saw a river near bye you can get the water from there ok o and my job will be getting some rocks and when you come back I need you to put the water over there ok" she pointed at a spot that had a rock floor.

Amber nodded her head and then said" but what if I get lost in the woods?".

Naimh thought for a moment then picked up 2 markers that some one had left there and said" here you can mark the trees with this blue marker and I will mark the trees with this purple marker ok".

Amber nodded and walked to the river near bye while marking every other tree that she passed so that she would not get lost mean while Naimh walked around looking for rocks near the spot were they would make there new house she found 20 rocks and put them in a pile next to the rocky spot she then began to stack them around the rocky spot and covered the holes with some made brick stuff that world help make the water stay in after she finished she looked around the area for Amber.

Meanwhile Amber arrived at the river and filled the to buckets up with water and headed back to camp she saw Naimh and the thing she had made and said "here is the water and what is that for" she looked at the well that Naimh had made.

Naimh smiled and said" its a well now put the water in it and then I will give you your new job".

Amber nodded and poured the water into the well she then looked at Naimh and said" all done now what is my new job".

Naimh smiled and said" we are going to get some big logs and some little logs too ok but first we need the big logs we need at least 20 ok and we need 20 small logs ok".

Amber nodded and they went to get some big logs. They came back to the spot with 2 big logs that they had just rolled Naimh and Amber looked at each other.

Amber smiled and said" wow that was hard and we still have 18 more big logs to get".

Naimh looked at the woods then at her well and said" Amber you can get the little logs why I find I place to put these o and only get 3 for now ok".

Amber nodded and went back into the woods as she looked for little logs she fond a berry bush and marked it with her blue marker mean while Naimh looked at the open spot and started building the house.

Amber saw a big log so she started rolling it to the new place when she got back Naimh smiled at her and said" thank you sis now can you put the small logs over there please" she pointed near the well and said" I will finish my well after I am done with this".

Amber smiled and said" ok and can I you help me please".

Naimh smiled and said" sure what do you need help with".

Amber looked at her and said" I found this berry bush and thought that maybe if we dig it out we can rebury it here" she pointed next to the well.

Naimh smiled and said" that's a wonderful idea Amber we will do that right now".

They went into the woods and found the berry bush an dug it out and replanted it near the well after they were done Naimh smiled and said" great now we have food and water lets take a brake for a little bit then we have to finish are house before it gets to dark ok".

Amber nodded.

they took a brake 5 minuets later Naimh gets up and said" ok brake over now lets get back to building are house" they walked back into the woods and came back with two more big logs Naimh smiled and said" sis can you get the big logs while I build the house please".

Amber smiled and said "sure thing sis" so she went back into the woods mean while Naimh started building the house again and Amber came back with 1 big log 2 hours later Naimh had the house half built she looked at Amber and said" now we need some branches big ones too and at least 5 small one to build are roof but first we have to have dinner ok and by tomorrow are house should be done".

Amber smiled and said" ok sis ".

so they had berry's and some water for dinner when they finished thy went into the woods and fond some branches and put them next to the house. Naimh climbed up to the top of there house when she was on top of it she called down to Amber to pass up some big braches Amber handed her the big branches and Naimh finished the roof 1 hour later she climbed back down and said" it isn't finished yet we just need to put the leaves on there to keep the rain out for tonight ok sis" she smiled.

Amber smiled back and said" ok would you like me to get some more water sis".

Naimh smiled and said" no I will get it ok".

Amber looked at her and said" ok" Naimh then picked up 2 buckets and wet into the woods to get some water 20 minuets later she came back and put the water in the well.

Amber went in to the new hose and then came back out and said "we have no blankets or pillows to sleep with".

Naimh thought for a while and said" I don't know but I will find a way to make a blanket ok".

Amber smiled and said" ok sis need help".

Naimh smiled and said" no thank you Amber wait you can help I need you to go to town with me I think I have some money to buy a blanket and maybe I can get a job too while I am there" so they went to town and Naimh bout a big blanket that the two of them could share and she got a job at the store it was called "Bed Supplies" there motto was "buy your bed stuff here and don't forget to tell your friends" it was lame but it was the only job she cold get.

Amber had to walk home alone cause her older sis was at work and she would be back when the sun sets and she had to go to work when the sun was in the middle of the sky when Amber got to there house she hung the blanket on the house and gathered up some leafs and shredded them down on the floor so that the dirt did not make the blanket dirty she then grabbed the blanket and went to bed Naimh joined her 2 hours later.
here is a link to chapter two

[link]
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:iconshadowthief2:
shadowthief2 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Wow... um... how to put this politely... There's a lot of... poor punctuation. I'm just trying to work out exactly what format it is... If it's a chapter, then it should be prose, not screenplay, but if it's screenplay, then it shouldn't really be a solid format, or at least in episodes or acts, rather than in chapters.

Quite honestly, I couldn't read past the seventh paragraph. Whether it's a screenplay or a prose, it needs to at least have decent spelling and punctuation. You seem to have a bad habit of using single sentence paragraphs... which is kind of annoying. It kind of explains why there's no other comments here... no offence.

There's also way too much trivial information. Readers don't really care how something tragic happens and they certainly don't want to know who did it in the first paragraph. If you want to write about orphans, the best example to follow is Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. He introduces the scenario without giving any insight the how and the whom.

Also, they don't really care how many things that the characters need to collect. They don't want to know dates, they don't want to know what the dog said and there's a lot more that I could probably add that I won't so that it doesn't sound like I'm ranting...

You've got way too much dialogue and not enough action. You've got too much detail and not enough imagery. You also use the word "ok" waaay too much and they seem to smile a heck of a lot considering they lost their home and both of their parents.

If you want any advice with any of your stories, let me know and I'll be more than happy to help you out. It's not easy to write fiction, script or prose, it doesn't matter which (I've tried both, so I do know). Judging by the opening sentence, this is actually a prose, which makes my earlier points all the more important. If I'm mistaken, of course, and this is supposed to be a script, it's almost worse. There are extremely important ways of writing both.

Scripts require every detail to be written in a way that can be reproduced in a physical form. The exact character and their action must be noted, down to the most minute thing. Even the camera angles, transitions and movement have to be written.

Prose is almost the polar opposite. It requires one to be as descriptive as possible without being particularly detailed. The beauty of literature is that a person can simply imagine what the words say, without having to see it, but, to do that, you have to know how to use adjectives effectively... which takes practice.

I'm not going to say anything else, now, since I think I lost control of what I was saying. As I said, though, I'm always willing to help, so just let me know if you need any.
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:iconsenackichan:
Senackichan Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012
ya my first critic ok yes it's a prose and i have had really bad problems with spelling and punctuation for as long as i can remember and i would love your help ^_^
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:iconshadowthief2:
shadowthief2 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Awesome. The fact that it's prose makes it a lot easier for me to help, since I'm a lot more experienced in that department (I've been writing prose since I was in grade 5, which is about eight years). If you're ever stuck on anything or just need someone to proofread, just send me a note. As for spelling and punctuation, if you have Microsoft Word or Open Office Writer, they have automatic spelling and grammar checkers, built in that will tell you if something is spelt wrong, punctuation is missing, or if the grammar for that context is wrong. If you don't have word, I highly recommend you get Writer, since it's 100% free and completely legal, albeit not quite as powerful...
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:iconsenackichan:
Senackichan Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2012
thanks so much and i will o have your read my wolf story yet it's called loner to Alpha ^_^ i know i have to fix the punctuation
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:iconshadowthief2:
shadowthief2 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
I haven't yet. The only reason I read this one was because it was featured in one of the groups that I'm in, but I'll certainly try to get around to reading your other stuff.
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:iconsenackichan:
Senackichan Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012
kk thanks ^_^
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